blog

your favorite president is chancellor adolf hitler

thu aug 20 2026

today's blog post title is from the ann coulter episode of the adam friendland show, by the way. i'm kinda drunk right now so i feel pretty good and would like to center this good energy. i've been practicing guitar more lately and it got me thinking about working toward becoming the kind of person i want to be. i've spent pretty much my whole life wanting to become a cool person, seeing it as an aspirational thing that i would like to achieve sometime in the abstract future. but now, i think i realize that that mindset is ultimately not super productive. cool is whatever i want it to be. cool can be me listening to adam friedland trying to flirt with ann coutler while im drunk off trader joe's baja blast margarita with my guitar on my lap. it's whatever! i think a big reaosn why i struggle so much is because i fail to find any value in what i do or think. it's why i turn to other people so much for validation. but in the end when it die it's really just gonna be me, so i should start seeking validation from myself. do things i think are cool. want to be cool for myself.

some thngs that i will do/changes i will make to become the person i want to be: i am going to practice guitar more! it's honestly one of my life goals to get good at guitar. i already got pretty good at all the visual art stuff so it's time to move on to music. i would like to be a virtuoso. just kidding. but i just wanna jam on the guitar and have fun. after that, i decided i'm gonna continue my radio show. i was pretty set on ending it for a while because i thought i sucked and maybe i do but what's it to you? or anyone? who cares? i need to be less adverse to things i suck at because how will i get better? the other day at work i flubbed a speech and came off super awkward, so i think it'll be good to have this outlet where i'm at least talking a little bit more. but overall the biggest thing is i want to stop relying on others for validation. even if i don't do it outwardly, i would like to stop referring to people i know in my head and wondering if they'd approve of what i'm doing or what i think or how i feel. because ultimately, those people will not be in my life anymore and in the end the only thing that matters is how i feel about myself.

i guess im just a little too sensitive for you

sat aug 1 2026

been an exhausting weekend and it's only halfway over. yesterday my dad and i moved all my shit from my old apartment to my new house and it was actually the most stressful thing ever. all the uhauls were booked which is something we should've realized in advance so we had to tie my giant and extremely heavy mattress to the roof of my tiny car, and then we proceeded to stuff that tiny car to the absolute brim with all my stuff. clutter and messes always stress me out so much. i didn't unpack everything because i was so tired and frustrated so now there's just a bunch of shit in my trunk and i hate knowing it's there and that i'll have to deal with it. i guess ultimately i'm just kinda sad to be leaving my old apartment and my old roommates. over the past few months i developed this routine with one of them where we'd smoke weed and watch a ton of weird movies together, it was really fun. really helped after getting treated like shit by that dude because she was there for the whole thing and it just felt nice to hang out with someone. not like i'm not gonna hang out with these new roommates ever, but it's just different which i don't like. also i'm gona have five fucking other roommates now instead of just two. as my dad and i were bringing all my stuff to my tiny room i had this big wave of regret that i didn't just decide to live at home for this semester. but i know if i did that i'd be probably way more of a shut in recluse than i am now. but maybe that's just something i'm telling myself to justify spending $605 a month on rent now. the house was super messy and had a bunch of broken shit in it because we're moving in like two weeks early so it just made me so sad to be in. i wanted to leave there as soon as i could. but now i feel bad because now my roommates need to deal with it. i think i have to live at home this week anyway to take care of my cat while the rest of my family goes on a cruise so i guess that's good? i'm just dreading all the cleaning. i was so excited about moving but now that it's happened i feel so down. that's always how my life goes, though. i was so excited about college and ended up super depressed. excited about moving into my first apartment and a few months into that i tried to kill myself kind of. so i guess i should just never be excited about anything ever. as a safety measure.

in addition to that stress (did i mention i'm moving during finals? it's art school finals so it's not like i need to study but i'm still dreading everything) i've been mad at my best friend a lot lately. it all came to a head the day after we saw the strokes when i let her borrow my car and right after she returned it to me it got a flat tire and then i found out she tried to fix the tire pressure with some random german lady's pressure cap thing instead of telling me what was happening. and then it just morphed into this big fight about everything. i'm mad because i ended up being the one saying sorry for acting like such an asshole, even though like. of course i'm going to act like an asshole if you continually treat me like shit. i don't even wanna recount all the shit she's done to me because it's just gonna make me more upset. but she's really a fucking horrible friend. and then she got mad at me because i don't offer her food or bring her water when she's at my house. but in my opinion, being a bad host is one thing, being a complete fucking entitled needy bitch is another. but now i just feel bad because i don't even want to hang out with her that much anymore. but that makes sense because all this bad shit is just festering instead of being resolved. but whenever i try to resolve anything she just turns it back on me and makes me feel insane for feeling hurt. says i'm too sensitive and prioritize my feelings too much. so what should i do? prioritize hers? because she's special? like it's insane. i've told my other friends what's been going on and they all dislike her. even one friend who literally spent like a half hour with us in the car was like "yeah when i hang out with you it's good but having her there wasn't the vibe." i felt so fucking vindicated. and yet despite this she's still like the best friend i've ever had and i really don't want to hate her, but i really think i'm starting to. i think i should just make a little space between us and see what happens. but then i think about her going back to college this fall and being all happy and making friends and it just makes me upset. like i really have this thing where i don't like other people's happiness because it bums me out that i'll never have that. but i'm wrong because i do continually have that, like all the fucking time. honestly i feel bad for her because she struggled so much while i made friends and went out and partied and dated guys. but i think what makes me feel bad is that despite it all i still felt like shit, whereas i feel like she'll be happier. but also knowing her i don't think that'll be true.

i always end up developing these super close, co-dependent relationships that i end up imploding because i start hating the other person. what's with that? why do i keep doing that? why does my best friend annoy me so much now? because she's an asshole who had phone sex in my house and continaully told me i'm no fun to hang around and told me to not look like a little indian boy before we hung out last time. and then she still expects me to give her my weed and let her crash in my apartment after she hooks up with a guy. and i let her do all those things because i guess i'm an enabler with no self-respect.

and then on top of all that i still cannot stop fucking obsessing over the guys i've dated that do not give a single shit about me anymore, like i swear my mind hates me or something. i keep thinking of how at this time a year ago i was talking to x but now he is happy with someone else and i am in my room alone and depressed. i really need to stop thinking about that. i just don't know how to not think about it so much. i think it's because i'm just not personally fulfilled and i've been trying to fix that honestly since january but i guess it's just not taking. i've really been trying to work on projects that interest me and i guess it works out sometimes but then i get stressed out by life and fall back into these bad thinking patterns. i guess i just don't realize how low my self worth is. like i know logically i am not as horrible of a person as i seem to think i am deep down. i know i'm not that ugly, not that stupid, not that annoying. but it's like i'm addicted to thinking i am because it's an easy solution to why i feel so alone and why it feels like everybody fucking hates me. or possible worse, just does not give a a shit if i live or die. but even then, i'm not that alone. i may not have many friends, but i don't think that's ever gonna be how i am anyway so why strive for that? i just resent being trapped in my own self destructive psychological patterns while others who have crossed my path are seemingly unscathed, even though i know that's a really unrealistic thought to have. but i don't know, i guess i am sort of in a rough patch. my best friend treats me like shit, feeling sad because i'm moving into a new house (but also that's just my shitty fucking brain, i feel like most people wouldn't be as torn up as i am), not interested in any of my art, my mom is depressed as fuck and it feels like my fault, ghosted by my therapist. last one's kinda funny. i think i should probably find a better one anyway. but also i feel like therapists only tell me shit i already know. that's something my mom and i both believe.

i think more on the feeling alone thing is that i really wish i was more engrained in like some artistic community or something, because it feels like a lot of people around me are and i just don't know how to get in there. but i guess i kind of have because i did some art for that local music festival so that's an in, i guess. but i feel like suchhhhh a fucking loser because i'm just this bitch over here that's like. can i make a poster. i want to make an album cover. please let me be your friend. can i play with you. it all goes back to kicking rocks on the playground alone. my julian casablancas ass life. i really shouldn't talk about myself like that though. maybe that's what i'll try and do now: talk about myself from a less critical way. i think i need to become acquainted with myself without all the layers of immense self hate and disgust

i am 20 years old. i go to college for communication design, but i tell people it's "basically graphic design" even though i know it isn't but it just feels easier to say. i feel like i sound less pretentious that way. i am indian and have a complicated relationship with indian people, but ultimately i don't hate myself so much for it anymore. my hair is very long and very black. it used to be really straight when i was younger but over the past few years it's become wavier. this is the longest my hair has ever been in my life. i think it goes back to the middle or lower area of my back. my eyes are dark brown and i like to wear a lot of eyeliner sometimes. my nose is pierced with a silver ring and it's one of my favorite things about me. i also have a tattoo of ferdinand the bull because elliott smith had the same tattoo. sometimes i feel bad that i just copied what he had but ultimately i think that's what makes me happy about it. i see videos and photos of him and i think "oh we're matching!" my skin can get pretty dry and flaky because i don't use enough lotion, especially on my nose. and my lips get chapped, but not as crazy chapped as they'd get when i was younger. i am very skinny and pretty underweight. i don't hate my body, but being this thin is something that makes me feel childish when i compare myself to girls around me whose bodies are healthier for their age. but i shouldn't compare myself to other people so much. i'm pretty hairy but i like it when my legs are shaved and smooth, but i don't mind having a lot of leg hair either. my life revolves around art. i've loved to draw for my entire life, but these past few years i've really found myself struggling with it. i think i just expect too much out of myself. i'm over-intellectualizing it, probably. but i like things that are really dreamy and surreal and kinda offputting. kind of how i am with music too. anything weird i'm open to. i think i'm generally drawn to that because that's how i felt as a kid. i get second-hand embarassment from hearing other people talk about how they're "the weirdo" or "the outsider" because i feel like that status has been so commodified in recent years but honestly i really did feel like an outsider weirdo for most of my life. because of the things i liked and the way i acted. another thing about me is that i think i'm really awkward. i know i can definitely be really awkward. it's something i want to get better at but that's just how it is right now. my dream job is to be one of the exhibition designers at the MoMA. i don't know if i'll ever get there but it's nice to have something to strive toward i guess. i'm just interested in exhibition design as a field, i think. i have braces too which is something i'm really self=conscious about. which is difficult because you can't exactly hide them. i just have a lot of dental issues. a fucked up jaw, a missing canine. i think the missing tooth could be cool, but probably not the braces. but i don't think anyone else minds as much as i do. my favorite things are elliott smith, big star, weird exploitation movies from the 70s, john lennon, brownie sundaes, 70s punk music, collages, the work of todd haynes, silhouettes, cookies, cats, listening to music and driving around at night, the colora red and blue together, elvis costello lyrics, making lists, louis theroux documentaries, and putting together a nice outfit. i am generally a soft-spoken person but can be a really loud, annoying drunk. i often say nothng because i'm afraid of stuttering. i am guilty of obsessing over how others perceive me and would like to care less about these things. just be less anxious in general. i wonder what kind of person i'd be if i didn't exist without this fear and the thought scares and excites me. i enjoy moshing even though i've really only done it once. but i wish i could let go more. whenever i'm at shows i'm extremely hyperaware of the people around me and worry how i may be perceived. i wish i wasn't like that. makes me feel childish. one thing that i do like about myself though is that i have a good eye.

fetch the bolt cutters

thu jul 2 2026

my 20th birthday is in two days!!! i'm going to nashville with my family which i'm not super excited about but i think we're gonna go to a cave and an art museum so it's not all bad. i think i'm developing this trend of spending my birthday running around an art museum on my own which isn't a bad way to spend your birthday. i don't know if i've been excited about my birthday since i was young. 21 is the only thing i'm excited for, but even then i'm not sure how i'll celebrate. might be out of town if i get an internship somewhere else, too.

anyway i had the urge to journal but my journal is in my apartment so it's time to return to the trusty neocities blog. this burst of reflectiveness came from reading about avoidant personality disorder, which i didn't know was an official diagnosis. it still honestly sounds to me like being a pussy, but maybe that's the intense self-criticism talking. reading the symptoms made me think "isn't that just how all insecure young people are?" but maybe the difference is that most people don't let those feelings totally keep them from having friends. and it's not like i don't have friends at all, i guess i've just always had less than other people. but i have to keep telling myself it's not about numbers and it's about quality but still

i was starting to think about this in relation to why i take romantic prospects ending so hard while it seems like the guy can just move on so easily. i think these are some reasons why:

1) i am way less experienced in relationships than they are

2) i have extremely low self esteem

3) i generally struggle socially so the short cycle of meeting someone, becoming close, and then having them basically ripped out of my life seems to hit me especially hard

this cycle and how much it depresses me makes me feel like even more of a loser so then i also worry that people can probably sense that i have some sort of issue and maybe it makes them want to distance themselves from me in favor of someone who doesn't have so much emotional baggage. but also i don't know, i feel like i have the same amount as any other emotional teenage/early twenties person. i think i just need to stop worrying so much about there being some other, better person. especially since you could worry about that the other way around, too. or actually, i don't know. i don't know if men really get that great. i like geordie greep but i don't know him personally. he'd probably make me mad. but that's how human relationships are. i just have to get used to how they can be kinda messy and difficult.

but anyway back to the cycle of making a friend and then losing them -- it actually really hurts! like sometimes it would really be nice to have another person to hang out with and talk to, but then i actually think about it and i'm like no i could not handle that. and it's embarrassing because it's not even anyone i've dated seriously, i'm just that fucking sensitive. i guess i really shouldn't be out there trying to date if this is how i end up acting. but also maybe i'm feeling a little more down after getting snubbed when i thought things were all right.

i was thinking about that some more and i know this is bad to ruminate on but i can't help it!!! i was thinking that it happened because of these possible reasons: he got fed up with our attempts to have sex not being totally great, but also it was more they weren't great for me so idk what he was complaining about but. maybe it hurt his ego or something. and then there is the obvious maybe he's found some beautiful woman who doesn't have braces and a missing tooth and vaginismus and acid reflux and social problems. honestly those are the big two. but i really don't think he has a bunch of girls crawling all over him. no offense like i really liked the guy but. the first time we were together he was like "i haven't done this in a while" and i thought yea probably. not like i had either, but still. maybe that's me being a bitch. sorry. but also i don't know, maybe it's because he was really really against me saying retard when i was quoting something geordie greep said. he did work with disabled kids so that is actually a possibility but i don't think he'd totally cut all contact if that's the problem. and i was quoting geordie greep!!!!! if he was that upset over it he can't ever listen to geordie greep ever again. okay i don't think that was the problem. the whole thing just gave me whiplash. all these guys give me crazy fucking whiplash. i think maybe if you have trouble making friends and i guess have the avoidant personality disorder that makes you simultaneously yearn and totally avoid relationships that you shouldn't be on a dating app. but i don't know am i crazy and horrible for desiring something like that in my life? way worse people are in relationships.

i'm really glad though that when he and i were sorta dating i had the sense to be like "if this ends i am going to fucking implode so i better start getting all my other shit together in case that happens" and it did and i was definitely right. i probably would've started fucking cutting myself if i didn't start patching other things up. or maybe not cutting myself because i don't know cutting is so embarassing now. almost 20 and you're crouched on the floor with a knife. like i saw a tweet that had that sentiment and i feel like there needs to be some form of self harm for adults that's less embarassing. i guess that's what substance abuse is for. i think in march i was close to having some kind of alcohol problem so there you go.

reading about APD made me kind of hopeful, though. seeing every problem i have summed up so neatly. i know that might make other people worse but it made me feel like my feelings are understood as being irrational and that there is a way to go forward towards fixing them. i think they are very "young person" feelings to have and that when im 30 and bitching on this blog it'll be about how i like. i don't know. my parents have so many health problems. everything is so expensive. i am so alone. i need to invest. my body hurts so much. honestly a lot of those things are still things i bitch about so. i guess i have the rest of my life already figured out.

maybe i talk in a way that makes it seem i was born yesterday

thu june 25 2026

i like writing on here! i like coming back and reading all my older stuff too. i think i've retreated so far into my head that i just forget what my own basic feelings are. i really should journal more. i've been seeing a therapist for a small handful of weeks now and it really hasn't done much. i feel like whatever problems i tell her, i immediately follow it up with "but in order to fix that i should do x" because in my head i honestly believe i know the way to solve most of my problems, just none of the willpower to do it. like for example: breaking the cycle of limerence i find myself falling into with every romantic partner. the simple solution to that would be to focus on myself. "take myself out on a date," that type of thing. fall in love with myself, engage in my own hobbies, figure out what makes me excited to get out of bed besides the idea of someone who may but probably doesn't want to fuck me. so muche easier said than done. i think i'm just addicted to this cycle of unhappiness and pining. like i am seriously checking social media like a fucking insane person looking for signs of whoever my brain has latched on to. it's just so depressing, i've become so disinterested in myself. i've always compared myself to others and always felt less pretty and cool and smart but it's really not great now.

this depression shit has probably definitely been magnified by the fact that i am currently being ghosted by the first person i guess you could say i technically dated. and i feel like such a loser writing it out, like i just have this immense fear of being the crazy clingy girl who gets obsessed and doesn't leave the guy alone even though lowkey that's how i feel in my head. it's kind of ironic though that this is happening after i ghosted like all my friends for a year. even more ironic when you consider that i literally just started talking to them again! the ghoster has become the ghostee. it's karma i guess. but when i really think about it, when i was with this guy i still felt fucking depressed. just that the depression i felt when him and i were still "together" was along the lines of 'god he probably secretly hates me and he never wants to talk to me again.' guess i was right. not sure what to do with all the clothes he left at my place. i don't know if he's going to ask for them back or what. i think he's pretty conflict-averse so maybe he'll just pussy out and never text me again. i think he only owns like two belts and he left one of them at my place. that's 50% of his belts, which is pretty serious to me. a monumental loss.

and now since that ended i feel like the biggest fucking unloveable chud. even though i thought we really had a good thing going him and i. i really don't know what happened. the last week we were hanging out i felt like maybe there was a little distance but i assumed it was because he had a headache one day and he started a new job that i guess makes him tired. and he stopped sleeping over, which really sucked. anyway on top of that ending the other dude he's friends with i was seeing for a bit is in a seemingly great happy relationship and i am here writing on my neocities blog about how tortured i am over dick. literally if i think about them too much i feel like i'm going to puke. probably over my intense embarassment over how i acted during the time we spent together and i don't know. the clear, black and white reality that there was someone out there who was just better than me. even though that's such a fucking childish, stupid thing to think. i know it doesn't mean i'm worse as a person and that to think that way is to just to resign myself to a lifetime of sadness. and i know that unless i don't sort out all my mental health shit and stop being so fucking depressed and relying on romantic attention for happiness i'll probably never have a healthy connection. like i've been thinking about it lately, and not like i've been with that many guys, but with the ones i've been with i think i've always been the one more interested. it doesn't start off that way, i think they all like me more than i like them at first. but then they get to know me and then the newness and excitement for them fades just as i'm growing more attached to them. and then the relationship fizzles out and i'm left reeling and going fucking insane over some guy who doesn't care if i live or die and has already moved on to a more well-adjusted girl who doesn't have so much baggage or if she does, is better at sorting it, or worse, he's willing to sort it out with her and go through all the horrible shit because he likes her so much. i neeeeddd a gun what the fuck is wrong with me.

i know this is like textbook teenage girl just starting to date while also having mental health problems but god please just when does this end. my brain has become to fried it's so fucking depressing. i just severely miss knowing there was someone who oh my god this is so embarassing. but longed for you. but also i don't think any of these guys did. but the idea that there was someone there who you wanted to talk to and hold and kiss and whatever. is this what it's like to have a friend. okay no but like i just thought we had a good bond. but i need to realize that i do have those kinds of relationships, at least platonically. i'm going to see black country new road tomorrow in cleveland with my best friend, so that's really great! but i just feel really down. it didn't help that when i was freaking out about him ghosting me i also developed a bad tooth infection that made my face swell up like crazy. i just felt so disgusting and upset god it was horrible. my mom was driving me home from getting my shit drained and the numbness wore off so i was sobbing, and i honestly think only half of the tears were over the pain. the other half were over him.,,,......... so sad. but it's okay. i think this is just a bad mental day for me. the past two days have been okay.

to get out of my head i've been watching copious amounts of movies. but it also sucks because two of the three guys were really into movies so of course my fucking brain latches onto that and it's like i can't divorce my own love of Cinema from theirs. like i need to get back to my roots or something, remember why i do it. remember me at 12 obsessed with bob fosse's cabaret. they will never understand bob fosse like i do. they will never be half the faggot fosse was. i'm trying to get more into my art, taking pictures and submitting some stuff to local zines or whatever. or that's the plan at least. i just really wish i was more involved in some community but i'm not sure how to do that. i've always been pretty bad at making friends and talking to people. but hopefully the efforts i'm making will be the beginning of something. anyway i really need to do this fucking homework because i've really been not putting in he effort i should.

jugh jefner

mon mar 2 2026

okay im baaackkkkk i just remembered i had this outta nowhere and was like this is the perfect time for me to dwell on my suicidal ramblings from when i was a freshman in college. average first year of college type bullshit. i guess my life is much better than it was before but also worse. i guess what i did was i cut out a lot of the things that made me unhappy but then now i feel guilty for doing that because the "things that made me unhappy" were all of my friends and just i don't know anything that reminded me of home or my past or what have you. but maybe that's just changing as a person and growing up. i guess i did it in a very sloppy way but. whatever they'll fuckin survive! me back from winter 2024 would be i guess kind of shocked at the way things have turned out for me. surprised in some ways but probably pretty disappointed in others. i have an apartment with my friends which can be fun when it doesn't feel like they hate me. my upstairs neighbor should kill himself. i have jerked a guy off which was pretty fun. LOL #oversharingonneocities. i go to the movies a lot now and go to a bunch of local shows too that i try to take pictures at. that's cool. i have this internship where i basically procrastinate for 7 hours straight and am pretty overpaid which is also really cool. im probably gonna have office jobs like that for the rest of my life, which is an idea i'm pretty okay with.

i have a radio show now which is fun. not sure if i'm the best host but i guess i did it to try and make friends anyway. i've only had one show so we'll see if that ends up working out. i spent most of my day at work today watching anthony bourdain and doing personal art stuff that i didn't really do any of the stuff i was supposed to do, mainly because i was tired and hungry and just thought what i needed to do was boring. i think i just need to find a new thing to put on in the background to keep my brain occupied. for a day it was listener questions on stavvy's world but i think i've exhausted that. i honestly wish i got into stavvy's world sooner because i've realized over the past year how naive i am about things. like incredibly so. it's bad. it is this thinking that has allowed a man to like totally wreck me emotionally which is honestly so embarassing. top ten worst things that have happened to me. my mother literally had cancer and i feel worse about that. it's weird i guess another thing i realized is that you can be very physically attracted to someone and feel kinda eh about them emotionally and then you're not really physically attracted to someone but your brain latches onto them and holds on for dear life and then when it inevitably falls down it like shatters and explodes everywhere. really sucks.

i guess that's the late teens/early twenties experience, though. that's what i keep telling myself at least. it really does feel like the end of the world, though. that i can't go to that party or that these people don't know i exist or this person doesn't want to date me. i really wish i could skip forward and laugh about all this the way i do with stuff when i was younger. like wow my biggest fears back then were giving a speech in english class! i wish i could've given my 13 year old self a drink.

anyway tomorrow i'm planning to take two buses down to this bookstore to see this small concert, but i heard the weather's gonna be bad so i might skip. i just feel like since i don't have homework or anything and would like to socialize without the aid of a dating app it makes sense to want to go to as many events as possible. though when i actually go to these things, i'm usually alone and thus do my whole schtick of frowning and averting my eyes whenever somebody seems to look at me.

roll on john

wed dec 18 2024

i've been on break froms school for a while and it's actually been pretty good. i thought my mind wasn't gonna know what to do with all this free time but i think i've been making good use of it so far. or i guess it depends on what you define as "good use." i started a substack for fun because my friend has one (shoutout nia) and i wanted to get back into writing poetry again. i wrote more back in like, 2020/2021 but sort of fell out of it. part of it's probably because i'm wayyy more ashamed of my writing than i am my art. it's probably my desire to be the best at every skill i try to develop but i'm learning to get passt that shame and just keep writing. i've been happier with my art too lately and i have this strong desire to be an artist in every sense of the word. i want to be an artist and a writer and a photographer and a filmmaker and you get it. these bursts of passion and inspiration don't last very long for me so i'm trying to capitalize on it while it's here. today i started writing a sonnet about john lennon's lost weekend! super cool! i've been writing actual serious stuff too though. trying to develop a writing style i like and it's pretty fun.

speaking of john lennon, currently listening to bob dylan's tribute to him and it's so beautiful. there's something about bob releasing the tribute to a man 32 years after he died that makes me so emotional, like not to be cringe but that is the power of john lennon for you.

another drunk conquistador conquering the governor's ball

sun dec 1 2024

today felt like little triggers by elvis costello because i had lots of little things that weren't really that bad that still ticked me off like crazy. anyway i got back to my dorm and i was frustrated but i chilled out and ended up watching some elliott smith concert footage which i haven't done in a while and it really made me feel better. i think my relationship to him and his music has changed a lot over the years. i started liking him in the beginning of sophomore year of high school when i was 15. that was a kind of shitty time in my life so i'm glad i got to go through it with him. i never thought of elliott as an artist i only listen to to cope with sad stuff though. i think his voice is so sweet it's impossible to stay sad when you listen to him. i know people have way different ties to him than i do. anyway i was thinking about how when i was younger and more active in fan communities on the internet i felt like my relationship to elliott smith had a lot to do with those groups and the way my friends also processed my obsession. like don't get me around i was and still am an elliott smith freak but there was also a performance of it, especially with my friends. it wasn't a bad thing, i just think i used to be a louder obsessive than i am now. maybe that loudness is about the beatles instead now, ha ha. what i'm trying to say is i think i've gotten into a nice place where my relationship with his music is a quieter and more personal one. like the giddiness of those first months/years of obsession have turned into a quiter appreciation of the sublime of his music and just his overall beauty as a human being. not to overly romanticize him i know he was just a white guy but you know what i mean.

what really made me want to type some of my feelings out was a cover of jealous guy that he did. i obviously love john's version but in elliott's cover the vulnerabilty of the lyrics really shines. there's just so much honesty in his voice, like he's not putting on airs at all are trying to sound cool or trying to be someone he's not. he's just a jealous guy! and he's sorry that he made you cry! anyway my computer's about to die and i have to get up at 6:45 tomorrow to work on my stupid final project before class. if i don't finish this project it might be over for me.

my life is lit i swear

sat nov 30 also cw for alcohol and addiction and self harm and suicide LOL

i've had a bit to drink so let's see how this turns out. today was pretty good but pretty tiring, i've been thinking lately on how i think i'm developing/already have addictions that i'm completely downplaying. i mean it's very me to downplay like every serious emotion i feel because if i'm not on suicide watch then i think i'm fine. it's crazy though i remember i first started self-harming in eighth grade and i think a bit more in freshman year of high school and when i'd do it i'd think about how darkly funny the whole thing is. this is really where i get the idea that this shit is something i'd do just to pass the fucking time because i kid you not i'd be there in my kitchen with a knife to my arm with conan o'brien playing in the background. just for fun. anyway i was doing some reading on non-suicidal self harm earlier and it was interesting how when i was younger and i used to do it i felt like such a phony funnily enough because i don't think i've ever seriously planned to kill myself but instead i think i just enjoy hurting myself sometimes. i haven't done it in months though, last time i did it it actually left a scar which hasn't happened before so i think i'm leaving it alone for now. crazu that this little thing that happened because i was seventeen and upset is gonna stay on my arm for what seems like forever. it's funny though i'm really surprised my mom hasn't noticed it since it's right there on my left forearm for the world to see but i guess im glad she hasn't. it's weird though because i wouldn't say i'm addicted to cutting but i think about it more often than the average person should, which probably means there's some kind of addiction there. maybe a functioning addict, but i'm not a therapist. i've never actually told all this shit to a licensed professional which is where i think i differ from all my friends who've been able to air this stuff out with someone while i'm over here doing mental gymnastics on my own. doesn't seem like therapists help them a lot anyway. this is a very dreary first blog post. i guess im in the mood to brood today. i dont know its like what in my life could i be so sad about that i've decided to hurt myself on purpose and drink too much when i shouldn't. i dont know! i guess it's just that scene from secretary ha ha. of course i had to mention secretary.

i don't think i grasp the weight of my life the way some other people do, you know like i feel like i let everything fall over me too easy without processing what it does. i think i'm self-aware enough though to understand things can have an effect on me but it's like i register that as a possibility and not something i need to actively deal with, like i'm some objective researcher studying myself in a lab. but also my life isn't even fucking bad. like what am i so dramatic about for nothing. is it attention? do i really just have nothing better to do? honestly maybe that's it because this summer was like the worst summer for me mentally ever. it's weird because when i hear all the shit my friends deal with i think i have it the easiest out of all of them and still i do this shit so i don't know what's wrong. i think i should get a therapist but i think being the "therapist friend" has made me doubt that a therapist could tell me something i don't know already.

ummm let me think of something fun and happy to talk about. i started watching twin peaks the other day and it's been really great. big agent cooper fan of course. i think it's really sad what they did to kyle maclachlan. free my man.i'm kind of in a tailspin about what the fuck i wanna do with my life when i graduate. i kind of resigned myself for a time to probably working in the commercial design field and making like. fucking packaging for aresol spray cans but i want more than that. this whole thing's reading really negative and i guess maybe it's the alcohol. my life is lit.

my beautiful life

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