blog

roll on john

wed dec 18 2024

i've been on break froms school for a while and it's actually been pretty good. i thought my mind wasn't gonna know what to do with all this free time but i think i've been making good use of it so far. or i guess it depends on what you define as "good use." i started a substack for fun because my friend has one (shoutout nia) and i wanted to get back into writing poetry again. i wrote more back in like, 2020/2021 but sort of fell out of it. part of it's probably because i'm wayyy more ashamed of my writing than i am my art. it's probably my desire to be the best at every skill i try to develop but i'm learning to get passt that shame and just keep writing. i've been happier with my art too lately and i have this strong desire to be an artist in every sense of the word. i want to be an artist and a writer and a photographer and a filmmaker and you get it. these bursts of passion and inspiration don't last very long for me so i'm trying to capitalize on it while it's here. today i started writing a sonnet about john lennon's lost weekend! super cool! i've been writing actual serious stuff too though. trying to develop a writing style i like and it's pretty fun.

speaking of john lennon, currently listening to bob dylan's tribute to him and it's so beautiful. there's something about bob releasing the tribute to a man 32 years after he died that makes me so emotional, like not to be cringe but that is the power of john lennon for you.

another drunk conquistador conquering the governor's ball

sun dec 1 2024

today felt like little triggers by elvis costello because i had lots of little things that weren't really that bad that still ticked me off like crazy. anyway i got back to my dorm and i was frustrated but i chilled out and ended up watching some elliott smith concert footage which i haven't done in a while and it really made me feel better. i think my relationship to him and his music has changed a lot over the years. i started liking him in the beginning of sophomore year of high school when i was 15. that was a kind of shitty time in my life so i'm glad i got to go through it with him. i never thought of elliott as an artist i only listen to to cope with sad stuff though. i think his voice is so sweet it's impossible to stay sad when you listen to him. i know people have way different ties to him than i do. anyway i was thinking about how when i was younger and more active in fan communities on the internet i felt like my relationship to elliott smith had a lot to do with those groups and the way my friends also processed my obsession. like don't get me around i was and still am an elliott smith freak but there was also a performance of it, especially with my friends. it wasn't a bad thing, i just think i used to be a louder obsessive than i am now. maybe that loudness is about the beatles instead now, ha ha. what i'm trying to say is i think i've gotten into a nice place where my relationship with his music is a quieter and more personal one. like the giddiness of those first months/years of obsession have turned into a quiter appreciation of the sublime of his music and just his overall beauty as a human being. not to overly romanticize him i know he was just a white guy but you know what i mean.

what really made me want to type some of my feelings out was a cover of jealous guy that he did. i obviously love john's version but in elliott's cover the vulnerabilty of the lyrics really shines. there's just so much honesty in his voice, like he's not putting on airs at all are trying to sound cool or trying to be someone he's not. he's just a jealous guy! and he's sorry that he made you cry! anyway my computer's about to die and i have to get up at 6:45 tomorrow to work on my stupid final project before class. if i don't finish this project it might be over for me.

my life is lit i swear

sat nov 30 also cw for alcohol and addiction and self harm and suicide LOL

i've had a bit to drink so let's see how this turns out. today was pretty good but pretty tiring, i've been thinking lately on how i think i'm developing/already have addictions that i'm completely downplaying. i mean it's very me to downplay like every serious emotion i feel because if i'm not on suicide watch then i think i'm fine. it's crazy though i remember i first started self-harming in eighth grade and i think a bit more in freshman year of high school and when i'd do it i'd think about how darkly funny the whole thing is. this is really where i get the idea that this shit is something i'd do just to pass the fucking time because i kid you not i'd be there in my kitchen with a knife to my arm with conan o'brien playing in the background. just for fun. anyway i was doing some reading on non-suicidal self harm earlier and it was interesting how when i was younger and i used to do it i felt like such a phony funnily enough because i don't think i've ever seriously planned to kill myself but instead i think i just enjoy hurting myself sometimes. i haven't done it in months though, last time i did it it actually left a scar which hasn't happened before so i think i'm leaving it alone for now. crazu that this little thing that happened because i was seventeen and upset is gonna stay on my arm for what seems like forever. it's funny though i'm really surprised my mom hasn't noticed it since it's right there on my left forearm for the world to see but i guess im glad she hasn't. it's weird though because i wouldn't say i'm addicted to cutting but i think about it more often than the average person should, which probably means there's some kind of addiction there. maybe a functioning addict, but i'm not a therapist. i've never actually told all this shit to a licensed professional which is where i think i differ from all my friends who've been able to air this stuff out with someone while i'm over here doing mental gymnastics on my own. doesn't seem like therapists help them a lot anyway. this is a very dreary first blog post. i guess im in the mood to brood today. i dont know its like what in my life could i be so sad about that i've decided to hurt myself on purpose and drink too much when i shouldn't. i dont know! i guess it's just that scene from secretary ha ha. of course i had to mention secretary.

i don't think i grasp the weight of my life the way some other people do, you know like i feel like i let everything fall over me too easy without processing what it does. i think i'm self-aware enough though to understand things can have an effect on me but it's like i register that as a possibility and not something i need to actively deal with, like i'm some objective researcher studying myself in a lab. but also my life isn't even fucking bad. like what am i so dramatic about for nothing. is it attention? do i really just have nothing better to do? honestly maybe that's it because this summer was like the worst summer for me mentally ever. it's weird because when i hear all the shit my friends deal with i think i have it the easiest out of all of them and still i do this shit so i don't know what's wrong. i think i should get a therapist but i think being the "therapist friend" has made me doubt that a therapist could tell me something i don't know already.

ummm let me think of something fun and happy to talk about. i started watching twin peaks the other day and it's been really great. big agent cooper fan of course. i think it's really sad what they did to kyle maclachlan. free my man.i'm kind of in a tailspin about what the fuck i wanna do with my life when i graduate. i kind of resigned myself for a time to probably working in the commercial design field and making like. fucking packaging for aresol spray cans but i want more than that. this whole thing's reading really negative and i guess maybe it's the alcohol. my life is lit.

fuck my fucking big chungus life