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maybe i talk in a way that makes it seem i was born yesterday

thu june 25 2026

i like writing on here! i like coming back and reading all my older stuff too. i think i've retreated so far into my head that i just forget what my own basic feelings are. i really should journal more. i've been seeing a therapist for a small handful of weeks now and it really hasn't done much. i feel like whatever problems i tell her, i immediately follow it up with "but in order to fix that i should do x" because in my head i honestly believe i know the way to solve most of my problems, just none of the willpower to do it. like for example: breaking the cycle of limerence i find myself falling into with every romantic partner. the simple solution to that would be to focus on myself. "take myself out on a date," that type of thing. fall in love with myself, engage in my own hobbies, figure out what makes me excited to get out of bed besides the idea of someone who may but probably doesn't want to fuck me. so muche easier said than done. i think i'm just addicted to this cycle of unhappiness and pining. like i am seriously checking social media like a fucking insane person looking for signs of whoever my brain has latched on to. it's just so depressing, i've become so disinterested in myself. i've always compared myself to others and always felt less pretty and cool and smart but it's really not great now.

this depression shit has probably definitely been magnified by the fact that i am currently being ghosted by the first person i guess you could say i technically dated. and i feel like such a loser writing it out, like i just have this immense fear of being the crazy clingy girl who gets obsessed and doesn't leave the guy alone even though lowkey that's how i feel in my head. it's kind of ironic though that this is happening after i ghosted like all my friends for a year. even more ironic when you consider that i literally just started talking to them again! the ghoster has become the ghostee. it's karma i guess. but when i really think about it, when i was with this guy i still felt fucking depressed. just that the depression i felt when him and i were still "together" was along the lines of 'god he probably secretly hates me and he never wants to talk to me again.' guess i was right. not sure what to do with all the clothes he left at my place. i don't know if he's going to ask for them back or what. i think he's pretty conflict-averse so maybe he'll just pussy out and never text me again. i think he only owns like two belts and he left one of them at my place. that's 50% of his belts, which is pretty serious to me. a monumental loss.

and now since that ended i feel like the biggest fucking unloveable chud. even though i thought we really had a good thing going him and i. i really don't know what happened. the last week we were hanging out i felt like maybe there was a little distance but i assumed it was because he had a headache one day and he started a new job that i guess makes him tired. and he stopped sleeping over, which really sucked. anyway on top of that ending the other dude he's friends with i was seeing for a bit is in a seemingly great happy relationship and i am here writing on my neocities blog about how tortured i am over dick. literally if i think about them too much i feel like i'm going to puke. probably over my intense embarassment over how i acted during the time we spent together and i don't know. the clear, black and white reality that there was someone out there who was just better than me. even though that's such a fucking childish, stupid thing to think. i know it doesn't mean i'm worse as a person and that to think that way is to just to resign myself to a lifetime of sadness. and i know that unless i don't sort out all my mental health shit and stop being so fucking depressed and relying on romantic attention for happiness i'll probably never have a healthy connection. like i've been thinking about it lately, and not like i've been with that many guys, but with the ones i've been with i think i've always been the one more interested. it doesn't start off that way, i think they all like me more than i like them at first. but then they get to know me and then the newness and excitement for them fades just as i'm growing more attached to them. and then the relationship fizzles out and i'm left reeling and going fucking insane over some guy who doesn't care if i live or die and has already moved on to a more well-adjusted girl who doesn't have so much baggage or if she does, is better at sorting it, or worse, he's willing to sort it out with her and go through all the horrible shit because he likes her so much. i neeeeddd a gun what the fuck is wrong with me.

i know this is like textbook teenage girl just starting to date while also having mental health problems but god please just when does this end. my brain has become to fried it's so fucking depressing. i just severely miss knowing there was someone who oh my god this is so embarassing. but longed for you. but also i don't think any of these guys did. but the idea that there was someone there who you wanted to talk to and hold and kiss and whatever. is this what it's like to have a friend. okay no but like i just thought we had a good bond. but i need to realize that i do have those kinds of relationships, at least platonically. i'm going to see black country new road tomorrow in cleveland with my best friend, so that's really great! but i just feel really down. it didn't help that when i was freaking out about him ghosting me i also developed a bad tooth infection that made my face swell up like crazy. i just felt so disgusting and upset god it was horrible. my mom was driving me home from getting my shit drained and the numbness wore off so i was sobbing, and i honestly think only half of the tears were over the pain. the other half were over him.,,,......... so sad. but it's okay. i think this is just a bad mental day for me. the past two days have been okay.

to get out of my head i've been watching copious amounts of movies. but it also sucks because two of the three guys were really into movies so of course my fucking brain latches onto that and it's like i can't divorce my own love of Cinema from theirs. like i need to get back to my roots or something, remember why i do it. remember me at 12 obsessed with bob fosse's cabaret. they will never understand bob fosse like i do. they will never be half the faggot fosse was. i'm trying to get more into my art, taking pictures and submitting some stuff to local zines or whatever. or that's the plan at least. i just really wish i was more involved in some community but i'm not sure how to do that. i've always been pretty bad at making friends and talking to people. but hopefully the efforts i'm making will be the beginning of something. anyway i really need to do this fucking homework because i've really been not putting in he effort i should.

jugh jefner

mon mar 2 2026

okay im baaackkkkk i just remembered i had this outta nowhere and was like this is the perfect time for me to dwell on my suicidal ramblings from when i was a freshman in college. average first year of college type bullshit. i guess my life is much better than it was before but also worse. i guess what i did was i cut out a lot of the things that made me unhappy but then now i feel guilty for doing that because the "things that made me unhappy" were all of my friends and just i don't know anything that reminded me of home or my past or what have you. but maybe that's just changing as a person and growing up. i guess i did it in a very sloppy way but. whatever they'll fuckin survive! me back from winter 2024 would be i guess kind of shocked at the way things have turned out for me. surprised in some ways but probably pretty disappointed in others. i have an apartment with my friends which can be fun when it doesn't feel like they hate me. my upstairs neighbor should kill himself. i have jerked a guy off which was pretty fun. LOL #oversharingonneocities. i go to the movies a lot now and go to a bunch of local shows too that i try to take pictures at. that's cool. i have this internship where i basically procrastinate for 7 hours straight and am pretty overpaid which is also really cool. im probably gonna have office jobs like that for the rest of my life, which is an idea i'm pretty okay with.

i have a radio show now which is fun. not sure if i'm the best host but i guess i did it to try and make friends anyway. i've only had one show so we'll see if that ends up working out. i spent most of my day at work today watching anthony bourdain and doing personal art stuff that i didn't really do any of the stuff i was supposed to do, mainly because i was tired and hungry and just thought what i needed to do was boring. i think i just need to find a new thing to put on in the background to keep my brain occupied. for a day it was listener questions on stavvy's world but i think i've exhausted that. i honestly wish i got into stavvy's world sooner because i've realized over the past year how naive i am about things. like incredibly so. it's bad. it is this thinking that has allowed a man to like totally wreck me emotionally which is honestly so embarassing. top ten worst things that have happened to me. my mother literally had cancer and i feel worse about that. it's weird i guess another thing i realized is that you can be very physically attracted to someone and feel kinda eh about them emotionally and then you're not really physically attracted to someone but your brain latches onto them and holds on for dear life and then when it inevitably falls down it like shatters and explodes everywhere. really sucks.

i guess that's the late teens/early twenties experience, though. that's what i keep telling myself at least. it really does feel like the end of the world, though. that i can't go to that party or that these people don't know i exist or this person doesn't want to date me. i really wish i could skip forward and laugh about all this the way i do with stuff when i was younger. like wow my biggest fears back then were giving a speech in english class! i wish i could've given my 13 year old self a drink.

anyway tomorrow i'm planning to take two buses down to this bookstore to see this small concert, but i heard the weather's gonna be bad so i might skip. i just feel like since i don't have homework or anything and would like to socialize without the aid of a dating app it makes sense to want to go to as many events as possible. though when i actually go to these things, i'm usually alone and thus do my whole schtick of frowning and averting my eyes whenever somebody seems to look at me.

roll on john

wed dec 18 2024

i've been on break froms school for a while and it's actually been pretty good. i thought my mind wasn't gonna know what to do with all this free time but i think i've been making good use of it so far. or i guess it depends on what you define as "good use." i started a substack for fun because my friend has one (shoutout nia) and i wanted to get back into writing poetry again. i wrote more back in like, 2020/2021 but sort of fell out of it. part of it's probably because i'm wayyy more ashamed of my writing than i am my art. it's probably my desire to be the best at every skill i try to develop but i'm learning to get passt that shame and just keep writing. i've been happier with my art too lately and i have this strong desire to be an artist in every sense of the word. i want to be an artist and a writer and a photographer and a filmmaker and you get it. these bursts of passion and inspiration don't last very long for me so i'm trying to capitalize on it while it's here. today i started writing a sonnet about john lennon's lost weekend! super cool! i've been writing actual serious stuff too though. trying to develop a writing style i like and it's pretty fun.

speaking of john lennon, currently listening to bob dylan's tribute to him and it's so beautiful. there's something about bob releasing the tribute to a man 32 years after he died that makes me so emotional, like not to be cringe but that is the power of john lennon for you.

another drunk conquistador conquering the governor's ball

sun dec 1 2024

today felt like little triggers by elvis costello because i had lots of little things that weren't really that bad that still ticked me off like crazy. anyway i got back to my dorm and i was frustrated but i chilled out and ended up watching some elliott smith concert footage which i haven't done in a while and it really made me feel better. i think my relationship to him and his music has changed a lot over the years. i started liking him in the beginning of sophomore year of high school when i was 15. that was a kind of shitty time in my life so i'm glad i got to go through it with him. i never thought of elliott as an artist i only listen to to cope with sad stuff though. i think his voice is so sweet it's impossible to stay sad when you listen to him. i know people have way different ties to him than i do. anyway i was thinking about how when i was younger and more active in fan communities on the internet i felt like my relationship to elliott smith had a lot to do with those groups and the way my friends also processed my obsession. like don't get me around i was and still am an elliott smith freak but there was also a performance of it, especially with my friends. it wasn't a bad thing, i just think i used to be a louder obsessive than i am now. maybe that loudness is about the beatles instead now, ha ha. what i'm trying to say is i think i've gotten into a nice place where my relationship with his music is a quieter and more personal one. like the giddiness of those first months/years of obsession have turned into a quiter appreciation of the sublime of his music and just his overall beauty as a human being. not to overly romanticize him i know he was just a white guy but you know what i mean.

what really made me want to type some of my feelings out was a cover of jealous guy that he did. i obviously love john's version but in elliott's cover the vulnerabilty of the lyrics really shines. there's just so much honesty in his voice, like he's not putting on airs at all are trying to sound cool or trying to be someone he's not. he's just a jealous guy! and he's sorry that he made you cry! anyway my computer's about to die and i have to get up at 6:45 tomorrow to work on my stupid final project before class. if i don't finish this project it might be over for me.

my life is lit i swear

sat nov 30 also cw for alcohol and addiction and self harm and suicide LOL

i've had a bit to drink so let's see how this turns out. today was pretty good but pretty tiring, i've been thinking lately on how i think i'm developing/already have addictions that i'm completely downplaying. i mean it's very me to downplay like every serious emotion i feel because if i'm not on suicide watch then i think i'm fine. it's crazy though i remember i first started self-harming in eighth grade and i think a bit more in freshman year of high school and when i'd do it i'd think about how darkly funny the whole thing is. this is really where i get the idea that this shit is something i'd do just to pass the fucking time because i kid you not i'd be there in my kitchen with a knife to my arm with conan o'brien playing in the background. just for fun. anyway i was doing some reading on non-suicidal self harm earlier and it was interesting how when i was younger and i used to do it i felt like such a phony funnily enough because i don't think i've ever seriously planned to kill myself but instead i think i just enjoy hurting myself sometimes. i haven't done it in months though, last time i did it it actually left a scar which hasn't happened before so i think i'm leaving it alone for now. crazu that this little thing that happened because i was seventeen and upset is gonna stay on my arm for what seems like forever. it's funny though i'm really surprised my mom hasn't noticed it since it's right there on my left forearm for the world to see but i guess im glad she hasn't. it's weird though because i wouldn't say i'm addicted to cutting but i think about it more often than the average person should, which probably means there's some kind of addiction there. maybe a functioning addict, but i'm not a therapist. i've never actually told all this shit to a licensed professional which is where i think i differ from all my friends who've been able to air this stuff out with someone while i'm over here doing mental gymnastics on my own. doesn't seem like therapists help them a lot anyway. this is a very dreary first blog post. i guess im in the mood to brood today. i dont know its like what in my life could i be so sad about that i've decided to hurt myself on purpose and drink too much when i shouldn't. i dont know! i guess it's just that scene from secretary ha ha. of course i had to mention secretary.

i don't think i grasp the weight of my life the way some other people do, you know like i feel like i let everything fall over me too easy without processing what it does. i think i'm self-aware enough though to understand things can have an effect on me but it's like i register that as a possibility and not something i need to actively deal with, like i'm some objective researcher studying myself in a lab. but also my life isn't even fucking bad. like what am i so dramatic about for nothing. is it attention? do i really just have nothing better to do? honestly maybe that's it because this summer was like the worst summer for me mentally ever. it's weird because when i hear all the shit my friends deal with i think i have it the easiest out of all of them and still i do this shit so i don't know what's wrong. i think i should get a therapist but i think being the "therapist friend" has made me doubt that a therapist could tell me something i don't know already.

ummm let me think of something fun and happy to talk about. i started watching twin peaks the other day and it's been really great. big agent cooper fan of course. i think it's really sad what they did to kyle maclachlan. free my man.i'm kind of in a tailspin about what the fuck i wanna do with my life when i graduate. i kind of resigned myself for a time to probably working in the commercial design field and making like. fucking packaging for aresol spray cans but i want more than that. this whole thing's reading really negative and i guess maybe it's the alcohol. my life is lit.

my beautiful life

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